As a woman and I have coached clients who still believe into over the top, emotional passionate love. I am all for it, if emotions and passion [read hormones] are not the only ones governing the relationship.
One of the most surprising discoveries, that many singles find shocking is that couples that have those stable, functional, committed relationships – love each other tenderly, however they are rather balanced, easy-going, calm and from afar appear dull and almost emotionless. No, they are not lacking emotions - they do get mad, they feel joy and sometimes even argue; however, it all happens sans drama and with mutual respect and understanding.
If you have friends who’ve managed to find their other halves the phrase you usually hear is: “I knew I met the one, because that relationship felt easy”.
Many women still play games, and some enjoy playing them very much. The game of plotting when to return the phone call, how to act, dress, talk and which information to divulge to the newfound prospect. They create the cloud of emotions, the story, the romance with their new mark as the main hero. They fall in love with the image they create and later desperately try to change the object of their affection to match the one invented in the mind, instead of seeing him as he is.
From very early age children are exposed to fairy tales, with happy endings. If you would take time to read them over as an adult – you may discover some questionable lessons and morals within those stories.
Girls are taught from an early age that:
· If a boy if being rude to you – he likes you.
· If he hits you – he likes you.
· If he calls you names – he likes you.
In later life these things transform into a craft of perpetual excuse making. Many end up holding out for a crumb of love that is given instead of outgrowing delusions through competent boundaries and self-respect.
We teach our children to hold out for a happy end that is coming instead of preparing them to seize the day and work their ass off to build themselves up to be ready for a functional relationship. All delusions aside – even the easiest relationships on the surface take work that is based in trust, communication and understanding.
Prince charming is not coming. No one will rescue you. Inability to process feelings and emotions rationally will leave you stranded and on empty every time. Untreated childhood wounds will eventually turn into skewed perception lenses that will continuously make your reality a miserable one.
There is a limited supply of Princes on this world, and emotional display of undying love, loyalty and passion will not get you through a qualifying round, in fact it may disqualify you.
Many women want a handsome, rich and loyal partner; however, few even consider what it takes to land one. If he is rich, handsome and loyal – what would he be needing in a woman to have a sustainable relationship. What do you have to offer? The answer I so often hear is – all of me?
There are many women who are ready to offer all of themselves! What are the specifics? What do you have to even out the playing ground between you and your Prince? He is rich – you have a college degree… He is handsome – you’ve got the softest hair, Instagram booty and a pair of knockers! Will do. See – there is at least a fighting chance. To even consider yourself a huntress on a prowl to find the destined Prince – you must be his Princess already, and you need to know exactly how you qualify above all others.
We’ve been fed a dream, an idea. We are in love with an idea of love.
All the fairy tales, rom-coms and even beloved Romeo and Juliet are bright portrayals of the emotional love. They show us the peak and the climax – they tend to not show the gory details of the life that comes after.
They are not showing us extended cut of Cinderella pregnant with her second child, drinking wine straight out of bottle; all because Charming, while still in high demand, chases every skirt he sees while his servants raise his children. Then in the morning the whole kingdom nurses their master’s hangover day after day. Eventually his loyal people lose respect and overthrow him upon his father’s death, instead of being ruled by an unfit king.
One of the reasons why Game of Thrones became popular so quickly is because it portrayed life with all it deviancies. There were wars, loss, prejudice, injustice… whoring, incest, rape, abuse, betrayal by enemies and family… and shit – that was all in first episode…
It showed the real underbelly that we all face once the rosy glasses come off and we start dealing with adult issues.
As we mature we hope for butterflies, however, we start looking for a well-balanced individual, who is strategic and resourceful, who is loyal and committed to raise a family… And if he is moderately fit and still has some hair – he is a keeper with all his warts.
We’re hoping to be swept away, however we now seek understanding, matching values and similar life goals.
Spontaneity shows up. Happiness washes us over – yet it is not fleeing, dramatic, destructive or futile – its wholesome.
One of the most common issues my clients present is emotional stories they make up in their mind: “She did this to me- so she must not care”, “He did that – therefore he meant to hurt me”. My first question to them is – have you talked to them and asked them why they would make you feel this way? The answer is usually: no.
When it comes to our emotional perceptions they are usually based on our lifelong patterning and once they clash with lifelong patterning of another individual – that’s when they really clash. We assign motives to actions and words of others based on what we know, without considering that the person may not even be aware that they did something to offend us.
Mature and rational individuals are usually rather simple – they do things without assigning much meaning to how others might perceive their actions. Those that worry about what other think, end up giving away their power or fall into victim mentality. They may lose confidence in their actions, perceiving themselves as judged or somehow inadequate.
Accountability starts with a conversation and owning up to your perceptions.
When I first started dating the man I love, I remember he did something that hurt my feelings in the very beginning of our relationship. My inner dialogue at the time said: “That’s it, I’m going to punish him. I will give him silent treatment and I will make him hurt”.
At that time my intuition woke up and intervened. I asked myself what the outcome of such treatment would be: the answer was - he would leave. That was not what I wanted. I remember then asking myself: ‘Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?’
I pulled myself together and spoke up. I told him that his words hurt me and that I wanted to give him silent treatment to hurt him back. To my surprise he absolutely had no clue that his words have hurt me. His intentions were only to love me, and he was not aware that his actions had a negative effect on me.
At that moment I have realized that our emotional dramatic stories are not always true. Courageous discussion about one’s feelings can save relationships and strengthen the bonds instead. Avenging pain and shame with more of the same, enforces continuation of the painful emotional cycle.
Sustainable love has emotions and feelings. Those feelings run deep and spontaneity makes that relationship fun and keeps it alive. Dramatic and over the top emotional spew is only adequate and the bedroom role-playing, or while making fun of teenage drama in yet another rom-com.
Real connections are based on mutual understanding and respect first. Emotions have few things to do with it. The purpose of passionate emotions if to serve as a signal that something is either going right or wrong. They are to be used as gauges of high happiness notes or deep-seated problem accents.
Honest communication takes courage and knowing yourself. Real vulnerability begins when the mask of baseless emotions ends.
Meaningful relationships are built on a healthy realism foremost, on functional and interdependent attachments. Overwise you are not looking for a relationship, you are scavenging for another emotional and raw fix of “love”.