Let me be the one to tell you about beauty and ruggedness of growth.
Growth is a beautiful thing! It’s amazing, it’s transforming. It’s authentic and it’s raw! It’s a wall of safeguard and at the same time it’s pure vulnerability. It can hurt like hell and it can hurt beautifully. It can heal through it’s divinity and it can comfort with realization that no mater where and who you are - you’re safe and perfect as you are!
When I set out on my journey I knew who I wanted to become. I saw the healthy and happy woman with her amazing soulmate. I had a rough idea where I was. I saw the gap between the two personas and I got to work in filling the gap. Very soon through books and guidance I quickly came to a conclusion that where I thought I was and where I really was had another enormous gap between it. That’s when things have tumbled down.
I’ve come to realize how many people I have hurt in my life through my reactive state. I’ve realized much later how many people I’ve allowed in my life to hurt me. I became immobilized by the truth. I shifted from walls to absence of boundaries overnight and what was left was a ball of pain.
Pain is a beautiful thing that propels us ahead and moves us to a better state on mind. That pain became my guiding compass through my cleansing years. If it had pain - I had to dig in. It was my journey and mine alone.
Friends and alienation
With growth comes knowledge, with knowledge comes insight, with insight comes awareness, with awareness comes power. Awareness brings light to what you tolerate in life and with that comes a decision: will you continue tolerating that which no longer serves you?
Growth by definition of 6 human needs is a selfish need, along with significance and certainly. Variety, connection and contribution are unselfish needs that turn us to other people. Therefore the best way to turn outwards during the period of growth is to contribute to others by sharing the knowledge. This is great if your friends accept you for who you are, not so much if they look at you as though aliens have taken over your body.
Through my growth I’ve managed to alienate many people. Friends who I thought were friends turned away. We could no longer understand each other. I’ve endured ridicule from my family and sometimes from my friends that stayed with me. I’ve gotten used to being poked fun at about my over-masculine and domineering personality, about my weight, about my manner of behaving and speaking. There were times I was crude. There were times I was emotional. There were times I was feminine and gregarious. One thing was constant: throughout my journey I always stayed authentic, not yet vulnerable, but fully me.
I’ve decided that I want to have real, drama-free individuals around me rather than someone who’s mask I’d have to appease, to get their approval, all the time. Walking on eggshells is not for me and people who’ve tried to make me do so eventually gave up.
Growth as a need [sidenote]
There is a paradox to growth and relationships. Whenever individuals tend to have growth as their top two needs, their partner [roughly 80% of the time] needs to have growth as their top two needs as well. The other 20% settle if their other need is their partners top two, however in cases I’ve seen growth seems to win more often than not. This is why meeting individuals at seminars and workshops seems to work, not only is it a hobby - it involves growth as well. In other words you know what you’re getting.
Transformation and stagnation
Towards journeys end of growth through hardship I ended up noticing new pathways and new habits, I noticed new responses to questions and events.
Those that will stay with you observe the person you become and accept the changes eventually. Those that have left along the way will be shocked or surprised by the individual you’ve become and sometimes even act in disbelief.
I’ve noticed that most people that drop out of your life usually remain of the same opinion and image of you as when you’ve left their world. I’ve had people ask me if I still work at the bank I’ve worked at in 2005. I have exes saying things like “nah, I wish I could hear you say that to me in person, I don’t believe you.” I’ve had another person ask me if I am still insane and I can’t blame them, because those were the times. People. Change. Our opinions of them don’t without major intervention. I’ve experienced it and done it.
I was recently asked to find the name of a woman I’ve gone to high school with for our reunion plan. That woman used to bully the crap out of me and I used to fall asleep, in high school, fantasizing about her going through various amounts of pain and torture. It’s been 15 years. My opinion of her is still the same, even though she’s a mother of two kids and probably a whole different person now. I still have a bit of bitterness leftover even though I know her actions back then had nothing to do with me. The image of her has stuck from the moment she left my life. The image of me has stuck the moment I left someone else’s life. We all leave our footprints.
Your issues/my issues
Now that I’ve got my soulmate and my handful of friends I notice jealousy and snarky remarks headed our way from people we know or those we barely talk to. Something that my journey has brought to me is realization that people only want to see results. They forget the work that was done or they don’t know of the work that was done. They want the same result without doing any work or even without a slightest sacrifice of anything. That’s not the way life works. The truth is, I wasn’t the most pretty or confident woman out there. Nevertheless, I was smart, patient, deliberate, authentic and full of love and tenderness. That love and tenderness was waiting within me for its rightful claimant until he got there.
Whenever someone tells you they don’t see value in what you do, or that you’re obsessed - it is always their issue. It only becomes yours if you accept, even for a second, that they are correct.
Friends and relatives have this scalpel sharp precise ways to seed doubts in your mind, based on their own perceptions. We trust them because we know them and they know us. We are at our most vulnerable around them, thus we allow their judgements affect us significantly. Before adhering to their advice or allowing concern with their opinions - consider the source. Always.
The truth is anyone that comes to know you only knows the ‘sum-of-your-actions’ you and it’s the dominant filter in their perception of you. Rarely people in our life know who we want to become, our ‘next-goal’ or ‘future’ self. If the person handing you advice has the level of life you desire or has reached the goal you want to attain - by all means take that advice and seed of doubt that comes with it and plant it in your souls garden. There may be truth to it. Otherwise proceed with caution and know that the issue is their own. Your self is not in alignment with their self.
We will meet many people in our lives that will want to jump to our level without any work. There will be times when we are those people, at awe with yet another mentor, wanting to jump to next level without knowing the journey first. Growth is a journey to share with others and walk with others. It is full of surprises and liberation. You will come out a different person after each trial, and each time one step closer to yet another goal, another win.