What if it is not a fight?

A story of significance for my Date with Destiny friends.

Over the course of Date With Destiny the topic of significance kept on popping up across the board. We as a culture seem to be infected with the need for significance and the spotlight on ourselves seems to be the only remedy that works.

This week I have been more of a selfish asshole, basking in my own significance, than I have ever been outside the walls of Palm Springs Convention Center. I allowed myself to let loose and immerse to the point of irritating trainers, leaders, my teammates and complete strangers.

Hmmm… something to think about. Good thing I was the only one who struggled with this, right?

I came to Date With Destiny with a gnawing feeling that something was off. I knew that I was not aligned with myself and I couldn’t comprehend what it was. On the second day, one of the trainers helped me through my breakdown and turned it into a breakthrough. That unnamed monster, haunting me, happened to be residual leftover victim mentality that had me feeling trapped and quite significant.

Once I knew what it was – I was relieved. Throughout my colorful life ‘victim’ was something I chose to abolish long ago. The word ‘victim’ is my rocket fuel. There was much anger and determination to use this trigger word as a juicy leverage to break my pattern and to move on.

… yet somehow, I did not.

The change was immediate. I deployed all internal resources to restraint my ‘needy attention whore’ within.

The next morning, I remember walking outside the center to sit down and finish one of numerous forms that were handed out to us by our team leaders. As I put my belongings down, I felt like stretching and moving my body to get some blood flowing. As I stood up and started moving I remember my inner significance voice squeaking thoughts about attention. There were thoughts of how to position myself to be seen, how to move to get attention, etc. That’s when my inner enforcer showed up and said “shut-up, we are doing this to feel good, not to look good”. Thus, I focused inward and did my best to stay focused on the inside.

I was in my overanalytical and quite frankly a judgmental mode regarding myself. As it is fit with over-achievers we act out in harshest ways towards ourselves first. I questioned my behavior throughout the event. I questioned why I applauded when I did, why I stood up when I did, why did I get up and dance on the chair? Was it a mode of self-expression or was it another way for me to stand out? Was it because I felt good or did I do those actions to make myself feel good through significance?

During a relationship day I distinctly remember throwing an ‘I’ statement into a conversation with my teammates. I caught it in my head. I panicked because it finally got out of my monitoring control. I wanted to apologize to my teammates, however the thought in my head was: “Shit! Wouldn’t it make me more significant and bring a spotlight back on me? What do I do? Do I let this go and continue monitoring or do I speak up and acknowledge that this happened?”

I went to see my trainer! I was supported in my decision to speak up and apologize; furthermore, my suggestion to ask my teammates to hold me accountable in case of slip-ups was welcomed as well – and so I did!

All the way until the last day my significance self was grabbing on to any story it could find within me to sprout again. Like many others I wondered why hasn’t Tony picked me to stand up and share? Wasn’t my story special enough? Was my energy off? Did I sit in the wrong section? Did I annoy the hell out of my trainer and this was my punishment? [I admit the last one might be purely me and no one else]

I was aware. I was hyperaware. I felt as though I was playing on someone else’s playground and did not know the rules. If significance is all I know – how do I know if I am being genuine without it?

I told myself that it was difficult, and I knew it will take time. I knew I will continue struggling with it when I leave. And you know what?

All this was –  just another story.

I may be overthinking it, and someone has to! All I remember being told is – It’s a story! It’s a story! Ok. It’s a story – now what?

And as I walked away on integration day, my last words uttered to my leaders were, that despite the progress I have made, I am still fighting with my significance.

Feeling frustrated and ignored I went to wait for my ride.

As I was standing there in a cold Florida winter, with my handwarmers, I started thinking – what if it is not a fight? What if there is no struggle? What if calling it a struggle makes it so?

I’ve realized that the linguistics of words “inner fight” – is a significance story in itself. That’s a mindfuck.

I started thinking: What is this? And how can this be properly addressed and conditioned?

The answer turned out to be obvious and common sense: Significance is a need! Denying a need is denying part of yourself!

A month ago, in Life Mastery during our first meditation, I closed my eyes and the very first words I heard myself say to me were – “I hate you.” At that time my breakthrough was: “Hate simply means – a need for love.” What if this part of me simply needs to be acknowledged and loved? What if it simply wants to know that it’s not on a chopping block, that it’s there, loved and it is simply… just there?

That – I can condition.

I made a decision to state my primary question each time my significance pops up and to be more compassionate with myself and the words I use.

I’ve integrated that insight into my identity. I’ve decided that moving forward I will get my significance through listening to others. I am now the person that listens. When it is time to share – I share; however, my primary focus is to listen.

The bottom line is –  significance is a need; and if you suppress it – it will push back. The struggle comes after the big realization that there is a story in play.

The struggle comes only if you break the pattern of significance without creating an empowering alternative. Overwise it is like trading smoking for eating – something will eventually break off.

Significance is a blind spot for many and the key to success is – recognizing that all there is, is just a story. The more important step that is commonly left out is creation of an empowering alternative.

So, what have you been telling yourself about you lately?

 

©Tatyana Bondarenko 2017